I’m finding, as I travel along my journey of growing my faith, that I’m able to find peace with God’s will. That probably sounds so much deeper than I actually meant it, but it’s true nonetheless. For as long as I can remember I’d throw a tantrum, breakout into a panic attack, if something didn’t go my way. However, with age comes wisdom and maturity, and with my continued studies of His word has come the ability to listen to what He is telling me, and peace within me knowing regardless of what happens, what is meant to be will be.
I wish I could disclose exactly what I’m able to find peace with. It’s not a huge deal, but it’s something meaningful to our family. While just a few days ago my anxiety was heightened and I was shedding tears over the “what ifs,” now I feel a strange serene-ness. Strange in the sense I’ve never felt like this about maybe not getting “my way.” Sure, it would’ve been nice to never feel anxious or shed tears over the issue in the first place, but to even be able to say that I’m ok with God’s plan now, regardless of the outcome, is huge for me.
One thing I can’t say the same about is Luke’s PET scan next week. I’ve been fairly calm about it up until today. Probably because it’s been an “out of sight/out of mind” subject I’ve been able to tuck away. But now, with the scans a week away, my stomach is in knots. It’s like I can’t get a deep breath. I haven’t allowed myself to contemplate the “what ifs” when it comes to the scans. We haven’t really even had much of a discussion about Plan B if the scans aren’t clear. One thing I do know, with certainty, is we will need help. That scares me. Why does that aspect particularly scare me? The gofundme our friends started for us at the beginning of Luke’s cancer journey sparked a lot of controversy with those closest to Luke, and caused him a great deal of grief. So many wonderful people who care about Luke (and our family) donated both through the gofundme and privately through mail or Venmo. This relieved a huge burden since Luke was/has been unable to work for 6 months, and we were able to focus on his care and our kids. However, the fundraiser lost momentum a couple months ago, and if he has to continue treatment, then he will be out of work even longer…..and, well, you get where I’m going.
Obviously the biggest issue I’m struggling with is the thought of him still being sick. I can’t stand the thought of him having to go through further treatments, which more than likely would be radiation. Ok…STOP. Can’t let myself go any further. “There’s no sense in it.” I can literally hear my mother saying that.
I guess for the next 7 days I’m going to try to preoccupy myself with my church class, work, the book I’m reading, and my continued decluttering of our house.
Rooted + Roaming 