3/9/26

Our next chapter is about to begin. The wheels are in motion and, obviously, I’m stressed and full of anxiety. I would give pretty much *anything* to be on a beach right now, drink in hand, listening to nothing but the waves crashing. I’ve been to Mexico 3 times in the last 5 years as well as a trip to Miami. The sand, the water, the wildlife, the sunshine. My heart literally aches for it. Each time we went to Mexico we went to Galveston first. I’m positive I left a part of my heart there. It’s probably my favorite city that I’ve traveled to (and I’m only getting started!) I could really go for some shopping on the Strand, a drink at Jimmy’s on the Pier, driving around with the windows down as we admire the gorgeous historical architecture of the city, listening to the seagulls as they fly overhead. My soul is yearning to travel, but with the last 8 months we’ve had in addition to what we’ve got in the works now, it’s most likely not happening this year.

The really heartbreaking part of all of this is that we had a free trip to Jamaica for this summer. All we needed to pay were taxes/all-inclusive fees and airfare. We had already pushed it to summer 2026 (we earned it while in Miami in February 2025) due to already having trips booked, and we can’t extend any further.😩It was going to be our 10 year wedding anniversary trip (it’s coming up in April!) but looks like it’ll have to wait.🥺

Not only is our anniversary fast approaching, but all the kids’ birthdays fall within a 3 month period starting with our oldest who turned 17 on Saturday!😳(Wasn’t I just 17 a couple years ago?) Our baby will be 6 at the end of the month and our middle will be 15 in May. March also brings prom, then April is the musical and May is our little’s dance recital. Busy, busy! I find myself unable to settle when we don’t have anything planned, almost to the extent I feel physically uncomfortable, so it’s somewhat of a comfort knowing we have a lot to do over the next few months.

Luke is back to work basically to the level he was prior to starting chemo. He’s exhausted and stressed but we all know he loves it. In fact, I haven’t seen him in a couple days…can’t wait to squeeze him!

Also – it was 71° today…in Nebraska…in March. The sun was even out! I can literally feel my seasonal depression lifting.

It’s been a minute…

Kind of went M.I.A. after we received Luke’s remission news. Big things started happening literally within minutes of leaving his appointment. I’ll be sharing everything soon, but for fear of tempting fate I’m keeping it close to the vest for now.

Luke has returned to work at about half his workload as before his cancer diagnosis. It’s been an adjustment for all of us, but he’s happy to be back at it. The first days back left him weak in the knees (literally…he fell out of the cab after parking at the end of the day.🤣) Otherwise he’s only been battling ongoing neuropathy. If you followed along on his Caring Bridge then you know it was a side effect from the chemo, and even got so bad that his oncologist cut his dose in half for fear of long term effects. Only time will tell if the neuropathy will improve.

As February winds down I find myself prepping for a busy spring. Spring is always busy for us because all three kids have their birthdays, we have our anniversary, and it’s musical and dance recital season! On top of all of that is the added chaos of *thing that cannot yet be shared.* Mix in prom, father/daughter dance, church group, dance camp, and work and we’ve officially entered “Mom’s anxiety is astronomical” territory.

One thing is certain, and that’s if we are going to be this busy the weather better warm up because I literally CANNOT take the cold. Each year it seems, especially since I lost 80+ lbs, my cold intolerance gets worse and worse. I am perfectly content staying in my house under a heated blanket, so if I’m gonna need to do all of these *social* activities, outside of my house, I’m going to need it to be, at the very least, a solid 55°……….and sunny.☀️

Signing off for now – maybe I’ll be back in a week, maybe it’ll be a month. For now I’m going to enjoy a quiet house and continue binging The Pitt. 📺

He Won.

Sunny and 70°, my passenger side window down, I had my eyes closed relishing the warmth of the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. “Summer of ‘69” was playing on the radio and Luke was singing along. After making our way through an absurd amount of roundabouts we pulled into the parking lot and, after I said a quick prayer over Luke, we made our way into the less than 1 year old facility. Luke checked in and I made my way to the same set of waiting room chairs we’ve sat in repeatedly for half a year. I looked out at the pond that’s set behind the building and noticed the ice had begun to melt. Crazy to think Luke and Lila were just ice fishing a handful of days ago, I thought to myself. Luke came over and started filling out the symptoms questionnaire they give at every appointment. No labs today, unlike every other time we’ve come for an appointment. He had them drawn before his PET scan earlier in the week.

I looked around the waiting room, noticing a young woman with her elderly parents, a few middle aged couples, a man who looked close to our age, and a few other solo patients. Like always. I scanned for adorable elderly folks who Luke would inevitably tell me, “No you can’t take them home.” Just like every other time we’ve been here the Game Show Network was playing on the tv. Today it was Drew Carey hosting The Price is Right. A trip to Barbados was up for grabs. I’ll take that as a sign I’m supposed to be on a beach, somewhere tropical, enjoying a margarita while I listen to nothing but crashing waves.

We waited about 20 minutes. Jay, a medical assistant who I swear is 7ft tall (he literally towers over Luke who is 6’5”), called Luke’s name and led us back to an exam room. It was the exam room with the giant canvas photo of 8 golden retrievers sitting in front of a ‘60s-‘70s Volkswagen van. Dr. Dunder, oncologist by day/band member by night, had a speaker playing an array of music and before I knew it “Name” by the Goo Goo Dolls came on. If you don’t know, that’s one of my all time favorite songs. Luke thought I was crazy but I took it as a sign.

When Doc walked in he had a huge smile plastered across his face and said, “It’s good news man, really good news.” I immediately began to sob while Luke smiled, repeatedly asking, “Really?!”

Before leaving the office that day Luke scheduled his port removal, a follow up CT in 4 months, and his first follow up appointment with labs for this summer. While he did that I headed outside, took a seat on a bench, closed my eyes, and soaked in the sunlight. He won.

Six Months Gone

Driving down S 9th Street in the capital city, 70° in February, windows down. A lot about today is unbelievable, especially the fact that after six months of chemo today we find out if the poison did its job.

In 4.4 miles we will pull into the parking lot at Cancer Partners of Nebraska, walk into their beautifully modern building, check in, and wait to meet with Luke’s oncologist. One of two things will happen after that – 1) Luke will be cancer free and we will discuss removing his port, future monitoring, and his return to work or 2) we will have to come up with a plan B.

Part of me wants to believe God gave us this stunning day filled with clear skies and sunshine as a good omen, but the true believer in me knows God’s beauty if everywhere all the time and can more often than not be used as a means of comfort during the hard times.

Luke is nervous, I know, but anyone else wouldn’t be able to see it. He’s currently singing along to Ella Langley, arm hanging out the driver’s side window, and commenting on the Lincoln traffic. My heart’s in my throat, I can’t get a deep breath, my stomach is rolling, and my fingers are trembling as I type this. Regardless of which outcome meets us today I know God’s got this, and we have to continue to trust in Him. So much easier said than done, but definitely easier than it used to be.

To be continued…..

Sunday Scaries

In 2 days my husband has his PET scan. This scan will show if the last 6 months of chemo worked, or if we need to come up with a plan B. I’ve been pretty even keeled, for the most part, but today I feel….unsteady? More knots in my stomach, unable to calm down enough to even watch a tv show. In fact, I’m thinking about throwing a coat of paint on the bathroom walls!

My husband, on the other hand, is acting as though he’s oblivious to what this week is. This week is literally going to determine our future, and I could vomit. (Side note: hubs is very aware, but probably won’t show any nerves until day of results.)

We won’t receive results until Thursday. THURSDAY. That’s what? 1, 2, 3… 4 days from today! *bangs head against wall*

These past 6 months have taught me how to put on a fake face better than I previously knew, so I’ve got that going for me.👍🏻So if you run into me this week, jokes on you because I’ll be FINE.

Monday 1/26/26

I’m finding, as I travel along my journey of growing my faith, that I’m able to find peace with God’s will. That probably sounds so much deeper than I actually meant it, but it’s true nonetheless. For as long as I can remember I’d throw a tantrum, breakout into a panic attack, if something didn’t go my way. However, with age comes wisdom and maturity, and with my continued studies of His word has come the ability to listen to what He is telling me, and peace within me knowing regardless of what happens, what is meant to be will be.

I wish I could disclose exactly what I’m able to find peace with. It’s not a huge deal, but it’s something meaningful to our family. While just a few days ago my anxiety was heightened and I was shedding tears over the “what ifs,” now I feel a strange serene-ness. Strange in the sense I’ve never felt like this about maybe not getting “my way.” Sure, it would’ve been nice to never feel anxious or shed tears over the issue in the first place, but to even be able to say that I’m ok with God’s plan now, regardless of the outcome, is huge for me.

One thing I can’t say the same about is Luke’s PET scan next week. I’ve been fairly calm about it up until today. Probably because it’s been an “out of sight/out of mind” subject I’ve been able to tuck away. But now, with the scans a week away, my stomach is in knots. It’s like I can’t get a deep breath. I haven’t allowed myself to contemplate the “what ifs” when it comes to the scans. We haven’t really even had much of a discussion about Plan B if the scans aren’t clear. One thing I do know, with certainty, is we will need help. That scares me. Why does that aspect particularly scare me? The gofundme our friends started for us at the beginning of Luke’s cancer journey sparked a lot of controversy with those closest to Luke, and caused him a great deal of grief. So many wonderful people who care about Luke (and our family) donated both through the gofundme and privately through mail or Venmo. This relieved a huge burden since Luke was/has been unable to work for 6 months, and we were able to focus on his care and our kids. However, the fundraiser lost momentum a couple months ago, and if he has to continue treatment, then he will be out of work even longer…..and, well, you get where I’m going.

Obviously the biggest issue I’m struggling with is the thought of him still being sick. I can’t stand the thought of him having to go through further treatments, which more than likely would be radiation. Ok…STOP. Can’t let myself go any further. “There’s no sense in it.” I can literally hear my mother saying that.

I guess for the next 7 days I’m going to try to preoccupy myself with my church class, work, the book I’m reading, and my continued decluttering of our house.

The Mondayest Monday

Is there a term for someone who develops heightened anxiety due to a lack of control? If there isn’t maybe we could name it after me? My God. I am in such a bad place today, and all of the contributing factors point back to ONE thing: having no control over a situation. (The Juicy Peach Alani I’m drinking probably isn’t helping.)

Luke had his last chemo infusion Friday. Now we wait a little over 2 weeks for his final PET scan. Then we wait 2 more days for results. We have absolutely no idea if the chemo worked. No clue what plan B will be if the scan still shows cancer. Waiting, the unknowns…needing to have patience and faith? God is really testing me right now.

Like I mentioned in my previous post we also have some things going on behind the scenes in our family that are “hurry up and wait” situations with many unknowns. I’m not exactly known for my patience, and I don’t have the greatest track record when it comes to “trying not to worry about things out of my control.” Maybe you all should pray for my husband, not just only for a clean bill of health but for having to put up with my crazy.🤪

Anyone who reads this next part, except those that know me best, will think I’m being ridiculous. So, you’ve been warned…. Not only did my beloved Bills lose Saturday, ending their season and the crushing the souls of every Mafia member, but this morning Coach was fired. I’m pretty much inconsolable at this point. I chalk it up to the “perfect storm” currently raging inside of me. I can literally feel the weight of all the things I can’t control piling up in my gut.

I promise I’m trying to give it to God, but for someone whose anxiety is generally exacerbated by a lack of control, that’s easier said than done.

Oh, AND…. that was a catch!

Friday 1/16/26

Lately it feels like I’m constantly holding my breath. I’m sure it’s anxiety, but it’s never manifested itself like this. I mean, you’d think with today being Luke’s last chemo infusion I’d finally feel like I could sit back and breathe, but that’s not the case. I hate not having control over a situation, and it’s been abundantly clear since his diagnosis that no one can control cancer. Today may be his last infusion, but how long until he regains strength? When will he have the stamina to return to work? And what about his PET scan the first week of February? What do we do if the chemo didn’t work? There’s just so many unknowns and it eats at me every day.

Not to mention there’s some things going on in our life, behind the scenes, that we also have no control over. So, naturally, my mind has been constantly racing. Uncertainty is not something I handle well. I can’t even count down the minutes til I can finally relax, because I have no idea when, or if, that time will come.

This morning after dropping off Lila at school I decided to go to the bakery. When the sweet lady handed me my coffee there was a tiny Jesus sitting on top. This tiny Jesus, who’s now hanging out on the dashboard of my traverse, appeared at just the right time. Not only is my anxiety heightened, but recently I stepped way out of my comfort zone and signed up for a class at church. This class, called Rooted, began a few days ago and I’ve been digging deeper into my faith, spending time each night studying His word and self reflecting. I’m a firm believer in “there’s no such thing as a coincidence,” so (as ridiculous as it may sound) I found comfort in receiving TJ (tiny Jesus.) Side note: yes, the class I’m taking is called Rooted. Coincidence? I don’t think so.😊