The Mondayest Monday

Is there a term for someone who develops heightened anxiety due to a lack of control? If there isn’t maybe we could name it after me? My God. I am in such a bad place today, and all of the contributing factors point back to ONE thing: having no control over a situation. (The Juicy Peach Alani I’m drinking probably isn’t helping.)

Luke had his last chemo infusion Friday. Now we wait a little over 2 weeks for his final PET scan. Then we wait 2 more days for results. We have absolutely no idea if the chemo worked. No clue what plan B will be if the scan still shows cancer. Waiting, the unknowns…needing to have patience and faith? God is really testing me right now.

Like I mentioned in my previous post we also have some things going on behind the scenes in our family that are “hurry up and wait” situations with many unknowns. I’m not exactly known for my patience, and I don’t have the greatest track record when it comes to “trying not to worry about things out of my control.” Maybe you all should pray for my husband, not just only for a clean bill of health but for having to put up with my crazy.🤪

Anyone who reads this next part, except those that know me best, will think I’m being ridiculous. So, you’ve been warned…. Not only did my beloved Bills lose Saturday, ending their season and the crushing the souls of every Mafia member, but this morning Coach was fired. I’m pretty much inconsolable at this point. I chalk it up to the “perfect storm” currently raging inside of me. I can literally feel the weight of all the things I can’t control piling up in my gut.

I promise I’m trying to give it to God, but for someone whose anxiety is generally exacerbated by a lack of control, that’s easier said than done.

Oh, AND…. that was a catch!

Friday 1/16/26

Lately it feels like I’m constantly holding my breath. I’m sure it’s anxiety, but it’s never manifested itself like this. I mean, you’d think with today being Luke’s last chemo infusion I’d finally feel like I could sit back and breathe, but that’s not the case. I hate not having control over a situation, and it’s been abundantly clear since his diagnosis that no one can control cancer. Today may be his last infusion, but how long until he regains strength? When will he have the stamina to return to work? And what about his PET scan the first week of February? What do we do if the chemo didn’t work? There’s just so many unknowns and it eats at me every day.

Not to mention there’s some things going on in our life, behind the scenes, that we also have no control over. So, naturally, my mind has been constantly racing. Uncertainty is not something I handle well. I can’t even count down the minutes til I can finally relax, because I have no idea when, or if, that time will come.

This morning after dropping off Lila at school I decided to go to the bakery. When the sweet lady handed me my coffee there was a tiny Jesus sitting on top. This tiny Jesus, who’s now hanging out on the dashboard of my traverse, appeared at just the right time. Not only is my anxiety heightened, but recently I stepped way out of my comfort zone and signed up for a class at church. This class, called Rooted, began a few days ago and I’ve been digging deeper into my faith, spending time each night studying His word and self reflecting. I’m a firm believer in “there’s no such thing as a coincidence,” so (as ridiculous as it may sound) I found comfort in receiving TJ (tiny Jesus.) Side note: yes, the class I’m taking is called Rooted. Coincidence? I don’t think so.😊