It’s been just shy of 3 months since my last post. I’ve been going through the motions and hoping for things to swing our way in regards to a situation but it looks grim. I don’t believe God punishes us, but it seems a little ironic that when I start to feel distant from Him evil wins again. I’ve cried so many times and asked Luke, “Will the good guys ever win?”
I can’t go into much detail, to protect my child, but I will tell you there is no greater pain than seeing your child suffer – whether it be emotionally or physically. Unfortunately there are people in this world that don’t care about the collateral damage inflicted upon the child, so long as the other parent feels the wrath. I have had to take this pain for 17 years now, and it never gets easier. In fact I’ve learned an unhealthy trick of packing it away, because the pain is far too great to let myself experience it. Years ago, when the boys were tiny, I would spend hours in bed hysterically sobbing, clinging to my baby’s blankie and stuffy, begging God to help me and help him. I think there’s a big part of me that holds resentment towards God for not helping us in the way I thought we needed back then, and don’t even get me started on the guilt I feel and the resentment I hold against myself. To add to the frustration, I want to scream from the rooftops everything I experienced.
Now, as a 36 year old woman, I can look back and see that I was in survival mode and doing whatever I could to protect myself And both of my children, but as a 23 year old victim of severe mental and emotional abuse with no money, nothing to her name, and no one to help me fight, I felt so worthless as a human and a mother.
I don’t even know how to start dealing with my guilt, my anger, and all of that trauma. I’m trying to do right by my child but keep meeting road blocks, set backs, and obstacles at every turn. The thing I want more than anything in this world is for all of my children to be happy and healthy and to feel safe, acknowledged, heard, respected. I wish every parent had the same priority.
I have lived in fear for 17 years. Fear of repercussions for 14 of those. One thing is for sure, though – I am no longer that terrified, 23 year old girl with nothing to her name. I am a strong, determined, fierce mama bear with a supportive and just as determined husband beside me and family behind me, and I will be damned if I live one more second in fear of repercussions if I try to do what is best for my child.
Looks like, “You’re so worthless. You’ll never be anything. No one will ever love you,” and all the other assumptions and threats didn’t come to fruition the way you thought it would. In fact, I’m meaner and angrier than I’ve ever been, and I will go to the ends of the earth for my children.
Rooted + Roaming 